8 December 2009

The worst mail ever

Pass the tissues please ........

Today I received a 'death certificate' in the mail - It's the worst mail I have ever received. I cried and cried and cried and I'm still crying 12 hours later!!!!

I can't believe how empty I feel now that my Mum is gone. In fact I really can't believe she has gone! - my heart aches so much it's indescribable. I'm actually shocked by how much I am hurting, I thought I was going to be strong, I told Mum I would be ok - and now I'm not and I feel like I'm disappointing her. ok Maybe not, and maybe she can feel my love because of my hurting so much. I know I did all that I could during the last few weeks, and I know that Mum knows that too. So why do I feel that I could be disappointing her? Is it because it's easier to feel guilty and angry than sad?? But I do feel sad...... It's all so confusing. Grief.... it sucks.

I'm crying........ It seems I've been crying all day today. I want to be strong for her, I don't want her to hurt anymore and if she can see me I'm probably hurting her now. (oops here I go again) I saw her hurt too much, it hurt the family seeing it. It hurt her knowing we were hurting..... it just all bloody hurt!!! I was grateful when her hurting stopped - but so disappointed, so broken, so worried about my girls, and even worried about Craig too. I saw his heartbreak, I heard him cry, I watched him cry at the celebration on Sunday - he didn't want to let go of the balloons that we released for Mum......... why would we want to let go? We haven't. I won't let go of my Mum, or what we had together I will forever hold the memories close in my heart. I let go of the balloons to hopefully signify some kind of release, for Mum, a way of 'setting her spirit free'

Every day is so terribly quiet. The Nana Shack looks lonely, I'm lonely.
My house doesn't feel the same.
Driving in the driveway and seeing the Nana Shack so dark, so empty - knowing my Mum isn't there is heartbreaking.
Knowing this feeling wont go away anytime soon, is so hard to accept.

I want to close my eyes and sleep it all away.

I know I must go on, that life goes on - I know I have 2 beautiful daughters to live for, a husband to share with and I know I have wonderful supportive friends - but that still doesn't change how I feel NOW.

I feel like a small child......... I'm 47 years old and feel 10!! I want to scream "I want my mummy" I want my girls Nana back!!

I want to curl up in a ball and sob for the rest of my life.

I want to do everything for her again....... and everything I didn't get a chance to do (or didn't do) while she was still here with me. I want to hold her again, hug her again, cry with her again, laugh with her again, massage her back again, rub her shoulders again, do crosswords together again, drink tea again, play cards again, go in the spa again, go fishing again, take her shopping again, eat salmon sandwiches together again. There are so many million little things.

I look back on that last 15 days in the hospital, and it all seems so unreal. Was that really us in the hospital all that time? Did we do that, visit every day, sit day and night holding her hands? Yes we did, and I know people are saying we are lucky we had that time in the hospital together - and Yes we were - but it doesn't change how I feel NOW. We had one week at home with Mum, one week - it wasn't long enough for any of us. Having to leave Mum in the hospital when visiting hours finished absolutely sucked!!! Then we went to the palliative care hospital... That was so hard, knowing we were going there to watch and wait for Mum to die!! Although it was so much nicer and we had a private room Mum had already started slipping away from us. We couldn't converse properly, she could hear us but couldn't speak back (apart from the occasional sentence or two - it was heartbreaking!! We had 4 nights there - 4 very long nights, painful nights for all of us.

There was one time when I was talking to Mum and tears were falling down her face, I didn't know what she was thinking, or would have said if she could speak. It was just so sad........ sad sad sad, all I could do was hug her.

I feel ripped off - I want to scream at the local GP who treated my Mum for a pulled muscle for 4 months previously, when it was cancer!!!!!! If we had known we could have done more together before the pain made everything too hard for Mum to do.

All I want to say to everyone I see or meet, is - make the time - don't put off until tomorrow what you can do today! Appreciate what & who you have in your life, make amends & build bridges if you have to.

My Mum touched so many peoples hearts. Even in hospital my Mum made the other patients smile - this was a cancer ward, a dark depressing ward with sick people all around. I also want to thank Trisha - another patient, who showed my Mum such kindness during her visit in hospital. Trish would run around pressing the nurse button, feeding mum her unwanted biscuits etc., and Trish all of us family (Bec, Amy, Craig & I) want to thank you for being so special and for caring for Mum while we weren't there. We hope you are doing ok now and that you have your headaches under control.

My Mum made Christmas cards for her local Coles shop assistant, for the girls at Bakers Delight, for the staff in the newsagency where she bought the paper from each week. My Mum bought a present for a stranger every year and put it under the KMart christmas tree.

Life can change in the blink of an eye !



Mum (in the middle) with other patients in Royal Perth Hospital - she got them smiling :)

Mum being such a good sport, she was always letting us dress her up!

Peace!

Happier times, when the girls and I were leaving to go to Bali - Perth Airport.

Surrounded by angels, and now our own angel herself.


11 comments:

  1. My thoughts are with you at this difficult time, I know what it is like to loose a Mother at what was described as "Too young to Die", even 7 years on, not a day goes by when I think oh I wonder what Mother would say about that. I am sure she will be watching over you in all you do, now and in the future.

    Hugs Julia

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  2. Lorri, my heart just aches for you. What a shock that must have been in the mail. I'm so, so sorry you are hurting sweet friend. Please know you are in my thoughts. Love, Jamie

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  3. So sad to hear of your loss...I came across this beautiful poem and thought you might find some comfort from it.
    Donna

    Your Mother, Your Angel
    © Natasha Jordan
    You look back on memories you forgot you had,
    And at times you'll smile even though it hurts so bad.

    Your mother is a special woman and no one can take her place,
    You'll find a piece of mind when you remember her smiling face.

    Your mother is an angel now she flies high above the rest,
    and in your hearts always and forever she will be the best.

    She has earned her wings and it's time for her to fly,
    I know it hurts no one is ever ready to say good-bye.

    She knows you do not understand and that you cry at night,
    But as you finally drift of to sleep let her memory hold you tight.

    She will be your guardian angel through the rest of your life,
    Helping lead you on the path between what' wrong and right.

    your mother loves you so very much and her love will always remain true,
    Please don't ever think for a second that your mother will forget you.

    A mothers love is like no other in the whole world,
    she has the most wonderful memories of a little boy and girl.

    She has taken them with her as she's flown away,
    Up to Heaven free of pain which is her new home to stay.

    So although you can not see her and you wish she could be there,
    Your mother can always hear you and your mother will always care.

    A mother does not forget the two greatest loves of her life,
    And she loved nothing more than being your mommy, and your daddy's wife.

    She is so proud of her family and that's in her heart to stay,
    Even though she's and angel and has had to fly away.

    So as you cry your tears remember your mothers love,
    Being sent to you from her, from the beautiful Heaven above.

    She will be there through your good times, she will be there through your bad,
    She'll be there when you are happy, she'll be there when your sad.

    Your mother has become and angel now, it is her time to fly,
    And she will never know how bad it hurt you to watch you have to say good-bye.


    Your Mother, Your Angel by Natasha Jordan @FamilyFriendPoems

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  4. These times will be hard and the pain is unmeasurable by any means, thats the power of love once it is gone in this world. But it never really goes forever if you have faith. Knowing that you have your girls and Craig is the most important thing right now and that you are in fact a mother to them as was yours to you. Rememeber your own advice to make the most of what time you have - with your daughters is now your best focus to keep you strong and true to your mum. It will pass but it takes some doing, keep strong people around you in these times and start new things.

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  5. Hang in there, Lori. I can speak from recent experience that it does get better. My mom just died in October. You'll never stop missing her, but it does get better. It does, even though I still reach for the phone to call her.

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  6. Lorri, my heart just cries right along with you. I can't say that I know how you feel but I can imagine and even that hurts. Your Mom is so lucky to have you. Just your words tell me that your Mom knew you loved her when she was right beside you and she knows you still do. I pray that you will find comfort in memories of your Mother and that the pain eases enough for you to soon smile when you think of your sweet Mom. You are in my prayers my new friend.

    XOXO
    Theresa

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  7. our condolences. I know how you feel. when we lost our dad to cancer three years ago, there were a lot of pain too. I miss him and we still do miss him in all our gatherings. but we know, he is with us always. and so is your mom. I just hope she got my card on time. did she?

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  8. Lorri; so sorry to read of your mother's passing. She is not suffering any more and take comfort in the loving memories you have of being with her and the relationship that you had and still have with her. The memories will get you through. Thinking of you.....Marilyn

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  9. I happened by here, and had to leave you a comment. I am deeply sorry for your loss. I can't pretend to understand the hurt you feel,but wanted you to know your words touched me. Hang in there!

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  10. This mail is so god-awful that I decided to write a full-blown article about it. I must be going crazy or my standards are really hitting rock bottom. Either way, please don’t ever install this mail for your own sake.

    r4 dsi

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  11. My mum is 88 and cant last forever so this post truly touched me.
    Lee

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