Pass the tissues please ........
Today I received a 'death certificate' in the mail - It's the worst mail I have ever received. I cried and cried and cried and I'm still crying 12 hours later!!!!
I can't believe how empty I feel now that my Mum is gone. In fact I really can't believe she has gone! - my heart aches so much it's indescribable. I'm actually shocked by how much I am hurting, I thought I was going to be strong, I told Mum I would be ok - and now I'm not and I feel like I'm disappointing her. ok Maybe not, and maybe she can feel my love because of my hurting so much. I know I did all that I could during the last few weeks, and I know that Mum knows that too. So why do I feel that I could be disappointing her? Is it because it's easier to feel guilty and angry than sad?? But I do feel sad...... It's all so confusing. Grief.... it sucks.
I'm crying........ It seems I've been crying all day today. I want to be strong for her, I don't want her to hurt anymore and if she can see me I'm probably hurting her now. (oops here I go again) I saw her hurt too much, it hurt the family seeing it. It hurt her knowing we were hurting..... it just all bloody hurt!!! I was grateful when her hurting stopped - but so disappointed, so broken, so worried about my girls, and even worried about Craig too. I saw his heartbreak, I heard him cry, I watched him cry at the celebration on Sunday - he didn't want to let go of the balloons that we released for Mum......... why would we want to let go? We haven't. I won't let go of my Mum, or what we had together I will forever hold the memories close in my heart. I let go of the balloons to hopefully signify some kind of release, for Mum, a way of 'setting her spirit free'
Every day is so terribly quiet. The Nana Shack looks lonely, I'm lonely.
My house doesn't feel the same.
Driving in the driveway and seeing the Nana Shack so dark, so empty - knowing my Mum isn't there is heartbreaking.
Knowing this feeling wont go away anytime soon, is so hard to accept.
I want to close my eyes and sleep it all away.
I know I must go on, that life goes on - I know I have 2 beautiful daughters to live for, a husband to share with and I know I have wonderful supportive friends - but that still doesn't change how I feel NOW.
I feel like a small child......... I'm 47 years old and feel 10!! I want to scream "I want my mummy" I want my girls Nana back!!
I want to curl up in a ball and sob for the rest of my life.
I want to do everything for her again....... and everything I didn't get a chance to do (or didn't do) while she was still here with me. I want to hold her again, hug her again, cry with her again, laugh with her again, massage her back again, rub her shoulders again, do crosswords together again, drink tea again, play cards again, go in the spa again, go fishing again, take her shopping again, eat salmon sandwiches together again. There are so many million little things.
I look back on that last 15 days in the hospital, and it all seems so unreal. Was that really us in the hospital all that time? Did we do that, visit every day, sit day and night holding her hands? Yes we did, and I know people are saying we are lucky we had that time in the hospital together - and Yes we were - but it doesn't change how I feel NOW. We had one week at home with Mum, one week - it wasn't long enough for any of us. Having to leave Mum in the hospital when visiting hours finished absolutely sucked!!! Then we went to the palliative care hospital... That was so hard, knowing we were going there to watch and wait for Mum to die!! Although it was so much nicer and we had a private room Mum had already started slipping away from us. We couldn't converse properly, she could hear us but couldn't speak back (apart from the occasional sentence or two - it was heartbreaking!! We had 4 nights there - 4 very long nights, painful nights for all of us.
There was one time when I was talking to Mum and tears were falling down her face, I didn't know what she was thinking, or would have said if she could speak. It was just so sad........ sad sad sad, all I could do was hug her.
I feel ripped off - I want to scream at the local GP who treated my Mum for a pulled muscle for 4 months previously, when it was cancer!!!!!! If we had known we could have done more together before the pain made everything too hard for Mum to do.
All I want to say to everyone I see or meet, is - make the time - don't put off until tomorrow what you can do today! Appreciate what & who you have in your life, make amends & build bridges if you have to.
My Mum touched so many peoples hearts. Even in hospital my Mum made the other patients smile - this was a cancer ward, a dark depressing ward with sick people all around. I also want to thank Trisha - another patient, who showed my Mum such kindness during her visit in hospital. Trish would run around pressing the nurse button, feeding mum her unwanted biscuits etc., and Trish all of us family (Bec, Amy, Craig & I) want to thank you for being so special and for caring for Mum while we weren't there. We hope you are doing ok now and that you have your headaches under control.
My Mum made Christmas cards for her local Coles shop assistant, for the girls at Bakers Delight, for the staff in the newsagency where she bought the paper from each week. My Mum bought a present for a stranger every year and put it under the KMart christmas tree.
Life can change in the blink of an eye !