Well last night in the wee small hours, I had a meltdown.
I cried and cried, I babbled to Craig - and the poor bugger didn't know what to say to me. He tried saying all the right things and it came out wrong. I jumped down his throat and bit his head off. Then I said I was sorry, it wasn't him, it was me - It was my pain, the grief and the unanswered questions that I might never get answers to now. He let me waffle away, and was falling asleep while I was doing it. I felt so alone. I felt bad for interupting his sleep when he had to go to work the next morning.... this morning. He was late - oops! Luckily he didn't get into any trouble with his bosses, they have been pretty understanding about everything. Although I do believe they took some of his 'holiday leave' from him instead of 'compassionate leave' - so that's something to sort later.
I still am feeling numb and shocked about everything. So many things are running around in my head like a movie on repeat........ repeat....... repeat. Many people have told me that over time my thoughts will move into a nicer area, thinking nicer thoughts and happier memories. I still do think the happy thoughts, and even can laugh about some funny things that happened while Mum and I had that week together before going into hospital. Sadly, mostly I find I am remembering the actual death moments, and the lead ups to it, the 15 days in hospital :(
It's almost like I don't want to forget them.
The wonderful Connie Holso sent me a journal page from when her Mum died, and it was SO accurate to how I feel, that it has inspired me to continue my journalling. I have done a little, during the hospital visits etc, but haven't done much since Mum actually passed. It all hurts so much. Thank you Connie for sharing your private journal and grief with me - it helped me to realise that what I am thinking, feeling & doing is all a 'normal' part of the grieving process.
Thank you to everyone for your beautiful comments here and on Faccebook - they really mean a lot to me, and sometimes it's those little comments and the support from everyone that helps me get through the day!!! So please don't ever be too shy to talk to me, to comment or to email me. I love chatting :)
Yesterday I bought a CD from a psychologist - "Dealing with Grief" - I have yet to listen to it. I bought it because I thought it might not only help me, but help me to help others too.
I don't think I told you about his 'freaky' dream the night before Mum passed away......... well on the previous night to Mum passing, Craig was home alone while Bec, Amy & I stayed at the palliative care ward (that was a sad night, and we didn't know it at the time, but it was our last night to be with Mum) Craig slept on the couch, waiting in case I called him. At 4.45 AM he woke up crying - He said he had a dream and saw Bec, Amy, Me & himself all standing around Mums hospital bed crying.......
Mum passed away at 4.45PM that same day!!
Two years ago when his father passed away, Craig dreamed that his Dad has passed away, he woke up at 3.20AM - yup, you guessed it his Dad passed away at 3.20PM that same day!!
I told Craig I don't want to know about any of those type of dreams - please! They are scary. I guess though, in both situations we were aware of the situation, and both My Mum and His Dad were in hospital at the time - So they would have been in his thoughts before his dreams happened. It's still very weird though how he got the time of death right BOTH times!
At the moment, we are strapped for cash - so I decided a few dollars here and there going into our joint bank account might help, as Craig is stressing about it a little bit too much about the money side of things. We had to re-draw from our mortgage to pay some bills. He is probably stressing more than normal because he is hurting too! My Mum was just as much his Mum for the 30+ years we have been together!!! Craig has also been having lots of dreams of Mum and weird things since she has passed away.
I have re-newed my ETSY store and listed some collage sheets and some images for sale. The jpg images on my etsy site are smaller images of the actual collage sheets you receive. (Please respect my compilations and do not copy or download these)
The sale items are high quality PDF downloads - that arrive in your email box very soon after payment is received. They are $2.00us per sheet, free postage of course. The individual images are $1.00us each. I will be uploading more of my personal image collection soon.
There are a few more items in my etsy store too, and it would be lovely to have a few visitors & maybe a sale or two there.
For those that like to get a free image to work with every now and then... here's one for you to enjoy (personal use only please)