9 March 2010

Unmotivated is this depression?

Emotional rambling warning!! - if you don't want to read press here to see some kittens (ok, I stole it from flickr lol) But if you do click there you will see my little Benson :)

Oh boy, where do I start blog world?
It's been such an emotional roller coaster - but really not many ups, so I guess not like a roller coaster more like a huge slide going down and down and down..... yet it feels like an uphill battle dealing with things. I'm so unmotivated for anything lately. Even my art is hard work, it's ok when I finally get around to sitting with my supplies. Then it happens. The problem is I am having trouble doing anything.... My house is a mess and is now starting to get to me. My Mum's nana shack is just sitting there empty and lifeless. I just went in there as I often do. I stood and felt - felt nothing but sadness and emptiness. I wandered around opening drawers and cupboards, remembering things - a million things. The tears were building and then I wandered into the bathroom and saw my Mum's 'teeth' - ouch ouch ouch.
I noticed a lot of tissues in the rubbish bin from our previous visits.

How can I become more positive, when I am constantly being reminded (in my mind) of all the horrible things that happened?? How do I try to forget those and focus on the good stuff... cos, I am trying believe me. I have little moments, where I say to myself "Ok, Lorri this isn't good - it's time to remember all the nice stuff" - but then those ugly thoughts just slip inside and stay for a while. It's almost like the feeling of anxiety where thoughts just bombard you, with no rhyme or reason... I say STOP to myself.... and it works for a little while.

I need to clean, I want to clean, I don't want to touch or move anything, I want to move it, I don't want to clean - I just want to go back in time (yeah yeah of course I can't) but in my memory I can and I will - to a nicer place, to a comforting loving place.

So much has happened over the last few years, so much - too much!!
Something has to change - It just HAS to get better - It WILL get better - I'm trying to send out those vibes, and it is so very hard to do when you feel like this. It's almost like nothing is working for me right now. I mentioned 'killing a chinaman' in a FB post once!! Maybe I did.
Do I start with some positive affirmations, trying to make myself believe good things are around the corner??
Do I keep on pretending that I'm ok...... with the hope that I will actually start to believe it soon?

Action... I need action, if I can get myself off the chair that is!!

My little Benson is a blessing, he is always giving me snuggles at the 'right' time! - usually while my hubby is snoring on the couch!!

Today has half gone, I have done nothing - well I burned the dinner and the pan is now soaking. I cut my finger between two cupboards - I opened them together!! Blonde :)

I haven't eaten, and my reflux is telling me to eat!! Oh how I would love to be able to employ a live in chef/cleaner/maid haha - Like that is ever going to happen. Poor Craig works so hard, works every hour he possibly can and we still only just get by from week to week.

Something BIG is around the corner, I just need to turn towards it.

Do I have the courage? The strength? The balls to make it happen................ I guess I will have to wait and see.

For now, I must just BE - Be in the moment, accept it for what it is.


  1. Hi sweetie...Its very normal these emotions. Feelings of dread. Tragic loss can cause a spiral of emotions, and everything else adding up. I would go see your physician and explain what is happening. When I first got diagnosed with anxiety, and depression was when I was 35 and ending a abusive marriage, I was in a car accident that shook me to the core. We were all perfectly fine but the trauma just set off a spiral effect. There are studies proving this issue. You are not alone sweetie..Trust me...Ive been there. Writing about it really helps, and going to your GP. If you need anything, Ive told ya Im here no matter what...u have my email.

    xoxoxoxoxox hold my hand and I will be there for ya to help with whatever u need. Sounds like the song "Lean on Me"...


  2. Yes, it's depression, but normal. Most people have depression sometime in their life, usually brought about by tragic events. You WILL be okay. You WILL get through this. Oh how well I know. See, I suffer from depression. I'm bi-polar and have anxiety disorder and agoraphobia (the depression is the worst part). But I made it! I'm on some good medicine now. I've made it over the hump so to speak.

    Yes, sometimes I still wander through my craft room and my studio, looking, wishing, touching, and sometimes I have to force myself to do things. I've been like you, realizing half the day is gone and nothing is done while dear hubby sleeps in the chair, oblivious to my problems. But, it doesn't happen as much any more. I'm more motivated (it helps that a lot of my chronic pain is gone thanks to surgery). My hubby, who caused me so much pain a few years ago, is back to his normal self. Even better self - he became hyperthyroid and totally went off his rocker three years ago but now is better thanks to surgery and medication. We found out he had been hyperthyroid for years and years and could look back at the way he would get and see it.

    Have you thought about seeing a therapist? Just to talk things out? Have someone to listen and reassure you what you feel is normal? And, if you ever need someone to listen, I'm here. Mcgoo4(at)gmail.com. I've been through the fire and somedays return, but I'm stronger now. I have my faith which saw me through a lot and God put some good people in my path who helped me and continue to help to this day.

    BIG HUG!

  3. It's good that you are trying to get back to positive things - that shows you will be able to pull yourself up when you are ready. Being creative is almost impossible when you're hurting. Give yourself a break and try to change things up a bit. Do something different (walk on a beach, sit under stars, try a new craft) In other words - escape your life for a bit.

    I feel for you, and I like that you are brave enough to put this on your blog. That shows you have strength

  4. I'm so sorry for your loss. I feel you. I wish I could tell you how to get through it, but I think everyone has their own way. Sometimes, I think we need to just keep doin what your doin.
    You have the desire to change things, and you will. Give yourself some time.

  5. I'm very sorry to read that you are suffering. I don't know your history as to how this has come about for you. What I do know based on experience is that some simple exercise could help you get out of your mind and into your body for a time.
    It is a way to elevate your spirit. A long walk each day could help you change the colour of your ways.

    Whenever you focus on what you want you will feel better about your life as you know from what you have written above.
    Keep with that as the more you do it the more automatic that way of thinking will come.
    The past can't really hurt you as it is memory. The future also can't really hurt you as it is fantasy. Real time is now and often in the right now all is well.
    I hope these words are of some assistance for you.
    Take care
    be well

  6. I feel for you.. those feelings never really leave completely, just get pushed back from time to time. It will get better, but the times will return when you feel this way. My house is a mess too, and since my Mom passed in 2002 I haven't taken care of my diabetes, don't ask me why, I just don't care, and want the comfort I guess. Our business is suffering, and I'm about to give up on that. Better times are around the corner, I sure hope so anyway. I don't know if it helps to know that you arent' the only one. Just don't feel alone.

  7. Hang in there, Lorri. One step at a time and it will get better, even if the 'step' is as small (or big, depending on the day) as taking a breath.

    Jenn P/Traders

  8. Just popped in to see how you are doing, not great it seems but Lorri that is to be expected. You are still grieving. But you should speak to your physician as suggested above and take every opportunity to talk through what you are feeling with anyone who will listen!! I really really believe that saying things out loud starts to cut things down to size, it's when stuff just rolls around your head that it gets too big to handle. Eventually it will become manageable and you will start to see the way forward. But in the meantime don't feel guilty about the staring at the wall or I've done nothing today syndrome - you are doing something, you are mending, it's just you can't see it. In fact, why not get up and decide, hey, I'm not gonna do a thing today and that's my decision, I am in control. Consciously doing nothing sometimes galvanizes me into action!!

    And as soon as you are ready, start to take those little steps - a walk to the Post Office, give yourself half an hour to clear one drawer, arrange a simple art trade with a friend....... but don't overload yourself.

    You and your feelings are unique but you are not alone and I hope you can take some comfort from that. Hugs, Cindy

  9. Yes, dear Lorri, it is depression and it is normal to a certain extent. If you struggle with it too much, please see your doctor about it. I did (after months of trying to get out of the dumps on my own) and it has helped me tremendously. Positive self-talk helps and making yourself get up and do things also helps. If you take the steps to just show up (in your studio, at the store, at an event, etc.) you'll find that is usually the hardest part. Being out there and doing something - ANYTHING - always helped me. Even when you don't feel you have the energy or interest, make yourself move towards it. It gets easier, it really does!

    Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers!!



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