I wanted to have a happy post - I didn't want to bring any of my blog readers down with my woes and grief....... but I already don't feel 'real' and if I didn't write the truth - then what would be the point of blogging at all.
It's nice that I have some followers who like my blog, who visit for it's art or for how I write, or what I write.... for my self expression, my weirdness, my humour or whatever reason you may visit. It's nice that I receive comments that make me feel warm and fuzzy inside, they remind me that there is a lot of kindness to be thankful for in this often crazy world)
I reminded myself tonight (when I changed my mind about what I was going to post) that I don't blog for the sympathy or the comments - although they do make me warm and fuzzy inside and remind me of the kindness in the world!
I blog for ME.
I blog because I can!
I blog because its a release
I blog so I can express myself (and it's quicker to type and causes less RSI than writing a diary or keeping a journal - although I love art journalling)
If you know me at all, you will know there is nothing I hate more than lies or deception - so I am not going to sugar coat anything - I feel like shit, I hurt - physically & emotionally, I'm pretty damn messed up - I'm grieving.
I reminded myself tonight that this is my blog, and I'm blogging for ME and because I'm not feeling very 'real' lately, because nothing is feeling very 'real' lately - I'm going to keep my blog true and real.
This post will not have pretty pictures, or art - it has my feelings, my heart & my soul.
I am going to babble away to myself, and if you want to be with me, then you are welcome to stay - if you prefer to just see art, then scroll to the bottom of this post & click on a pretty picture
Today I listened to the first half of a cd - 'dealing with grief' - it made sense, and I could certainly relate to what was being said. All the 'what not to say's' to people who are grieving - and yes, I've heard them all already. It's not that anyone intends to be hurtful, or less helpful. I'm sure they have good intentions and just don't know what else to say.
There was some explanations of the bodies responses, the physical, mental & spiritual changes that grief can bring on. There were explanations of things that have been happening to me. Physically, emotionally and spiritually changes or subtle shifts have occurred.
For those that may not know me that well, I have been facilitating a 'spiritual development & meditation group' for over 15 years. Right now it's 11.11 AGAIN!!!!! All this 11.11 stuff is rather freaking me.......... I just happened to glance at the clock for the first time since 8pm!!
Bah Humbug It's supposed to mean I'm on the right path - so hard to accept right now.
All I want to do is hide away, cry and scream. I'm still somewhat numb. I'm sure Craig doesn't know what to say or do and he has been there for me, but I don't want him there sometimes - but I do at the same time - I know that's pretty damn confusing - but I'm pretty damn confusing!! What I mean is sometimes (often lately) I don't feel like him holding me or hugging me, but I want him there. Then there are times when I do want to be held. Now more than ever I understand the value of being held, WITHOUT any words being spoken!! Before my Mum died (fuck I hate saying that!!!) I wanted him to talk talk talk, to be able to express himself all the time. Right now I don't want him to say much of anything - I just need him to be there when I need him. Usually he's not - work obviously has to be done to keep the wheels turning. A lot of the time lately I don't want to be alone. I don't remember feeling like I don't want to be alone for a very long time. If anything, I have wanted to be alone. To have my own space, which often feels crowded, but I don't know why. When I have the space I don't want it. Maybe I'm going crazy.... maybe I already have!! I am trying to make it clear, but know it probably makes no sense to anyone else. Perhaps it's because there is still a 'wall' that stands quite tall and strong between Craig and I... the wall that I built brick by brick and cemented so strongly that it may never come down. Perhaps it's because I don't want to be vulnerable with him again, not wanting to be hurt by him again - But Fuck me, it's been 5 years and I still feel the same hurtful feelings. They are not as bad, no way near - time has eased them, or I have just given up - one or the other. All his so called efforts to re-build the trust etc etc just haven't worked for me. It's because he did what HE thought was best for me, NOT what I told him I needed! So go figure, of course it hasn't helped our relationship.
For some reason he still wants to be with me, and all I do is turn him away, time and time again. Then I am upset that I don't feel 'emotionally' connected to him anymore. How can I?? I block his efforts, because I am still either afraid that he might betray me again, afraid of his inner thinking - because he doesn't or CANNOT communicate his inner thoughts & or feelings and then I get all these negative imaginations of what he is thinking. The stupid thing is that when I am home alone, it's like I am just waiting for him to come home from work so we can DO something together - even just simple things like watering the garden, watching some tv or tidying the house together. It feels like we are friends, good friends with a lot of history and connections and two beautiful daughters (with the very occasional benefits) It doesn't feel 'real' enough for me, like a marital relationship or like it used to feel before I found out he had cheated on me. I used to feel like I was the most important thing in his life, I believed it. Then I just felt stupid, discarded. My mum felt like that when my Dad left her, at the time I didn't understand her feelings. I remember the day he went, I sat with Mum in her bedroom and held her as she cried for 7 hours straight... I ended up ringing the Dr and then I went to the Dr and got her some tablets to calm her down. I don't think I ever understood her loneliness - until recently. I am sorry for that. I cry when I think about the things I'm sorry for. I cry when I think about the things I'm thankful for. I cry when I think about the times I was there for her and the times I wasn't...... I just cry.
It's strange, because so many times my Mum told me I was 'tough' and didn't cry, there were times when she even said she didn't think I could show much emotion........ boy was she wrong there! I think she found out after Craig hurt me. We discovered a lot of things after that, because then I could relate to her more too. That's probably another reason (there are millions) why I feel so lonely now that Mum has gone. We had begun to understand each other more over the last few years. Even though Mum used to annoy me sometimes because of her tendency to see the negative first, Mum was the person I truly felt I could express myself to, she would listen to everything I had to say - and even if she didn't agree, she never ever negated my feelings!!
I know the unconditional love a mother has - I know that as mothers, we only ever want our children to be happy. I feel sad that my Mum saw me so sad and messed up. I know she loved Craig as a son even though she hated what he did to me - her love was totally unconditional to all the family and I miss that SO much.
What breaks me apart, is knowing that she wasn't happy, and that I couldn't even drag myself out of a hole to be able to give her some happiness by being a happy daughter. There were times when I was a little more contented and happy within my own self (not my relationship) These times were when I was being creative, painting, making my art cards or telling her about our store. Mum was proud of 'Scrappindipity' and what Bec and I had achieved with the store. Mum watched the store grow from a tiny stall in the markets to what it is now. She helped in the 'naming' of Scrappindipity. Then there was the times when I was published in a little zine or a website in our home country (UK) these things made her proud and happy, because she saw my enjoyment. I just wish I could have given her more.
Apparantly it's natural that Grief brings about feelings of guilt - I guess it's because we look at all the things we took for granted, all the things we put off, all the bad thoughts we had in our heads when we were frustrated or annoyed with each other, or the tiffs we had. It's all the things we think we should have done, but didn't make a priority.
Apparantly, after the guilt subsides I might find myself in a space where I can focus more on the positive, happy & fun memories - bring it on!! Not that I don't do that now, I do and I try to make that a focus - but those other feelings take over and I must allow them to be. I can work through this, I can, I can, I can........ cant I?
I have not been into the Nana Shack for two days - why do I feel bad about that?
I feel like I am neglecting my Mums things, her special things, her home, her life, herself.......
I want to go in there, to 'feel' her, to be amongst her things and all her treasures but it hurts so much and it just doesn't feel real that she is not there. I don't like going in there alone, I have for brief moments, but sometimes I think I should stay longer. Perhaps I should do some crosswords. Mum and I used to spend Friday afternoons doing the crosswords together.
I have also considered taking some of my art stuff in there and painting, or drawing or creating something and just absorbing it all - everything.
At the moment I don't feel real, nothing feels real.