Journals of incompleteness

"Pouting"

"Earth Girls" - Art Cards

I have found myself with very little motivation lately - I have these dark days, where nothing feels real to me. Like I am waiting and waiting and waiting, and what for? I don't even know what for... perhaps it's just for things to go 'right' for a while, yes I'm waiting for that - I'm trying to push the buttons and make things happen. Maybe I'm not pushing the right buttons, maybe I'm too impatient. God only knows I am trying to be positive in a situation where I feel I am drowning from one thing after another. I'm treading water you see, staying under the waves for a while and then re-emerging for another big breath to last me, until the next.

My list of to-do's is getting bigger as I let things around me fall apart. I just keep adding all these new things to do, the catch-up things, the "I'll do that tomorrow" things - I am piling them onto my mental list. My journal would be good for the to do list - but which one? I have so many, all incomplete - all segmented. I started one on the cruise, it was nice just nice. There were a few pages inside it that I really liked but the rest were just nice... bland, not inspiring. You know the 'that's nice' kind of pages. The entire journal probably has 6 pages completed. The rest sits empty. Like I was supposed to fill it with all the wonderful amazing things that were experienced on the cruise.. but I came home and then my Mum started getting those pains - Bec and I played catch up at the store, then within the next few months my world turned upside down. That journal didn't get done.

Then while waiting in the hospital waiting rooms for my Mum, I started another journal - I look back upon it and remember things - sad things. Things that make me angry, things that make me cry. I need to get that journal and write in it, paint in it - scribble darkly on some pages, tear some pages out, screw them in a ball and throw them with all my might against a wall.

I don't want to 'wreck that journal'.. oh that's another journal I have the "wreck this journal" - now where is that??

I need the pizazz the wow, the OMG I love that background on the page to inspire me... I get it from other peoples work. I need it within my own pages of my journal. Bec's journal pages inspire me!

I just went on the hunt for a couple of my journals, can't find them. They must be in the store tucked away on a shelf somewhere. My plan was to scan a couple of pages - so that will now go onto that to-do list in my head too!!

Well, I managed to do some sketching this week - and I completed a set of artist cards. (The one's up the top of this page) The art cards were completed with paper strip backgrounds, with miniature versions of the girls I have drawn and with copic markers for colouring.

What I have done during my blogland absence... nothing much. I taught a workshop with a group of young girls teaching them an OTP mini-book. Their youth and enthusiasm was a breath of fresh air. I spoke on the phone to Linda Baldock about the store's upcoming workshops, speaking to Linda was awesome. It was so nice to finally put a voice to the words on the computer screen. I can't wait to meet her in May - Linda is one special lady, very honest, open and to the point - just the way I like it. Linda also loves the grungy styles like Bec & I do, and I know we are going to have a ball spending time with her. You know the feeling you get when you meet someone that you instantly resonate with? That's Linda!

Oh well, I could say so much more about my life right now, the word 'grieving' just doesn't seem enough - but I guess if you know the process - it probably explains it all.

Here's a couple of sketches... thank you for visiting me, listening to my ramblings and for all the support you have all shown me in the past.

Oh another thing, my pc crashed from a virus and I had to get it fixed and reformatted.. I lost ALL my snail mail and email addresses (I have a dymo labeller, and had everyone's addresses from when I first started trading around 5 years ago... so I'm devastated) One of my plans - yes on my to-do list, was to randomly send people stuff - cards and things. I can't do that now.

So if you were on my list, or thought you might be, or WANT to be... send me your snail mail and I can make my dymo list look healthy and not so lonely :)

"Searching"

"Wondering"

"Remembering"

Take care and stay creative!

xoxo