So much to deal with

Before I start this long post I want to share a piece of art that Bec created for me, it's totally beautiful. It has so many meanings for me - I need to let go - to let go of the things that tie me down, those bad thoughts and feelings, the past hurts that grip me so tightly.

I need to let go - do you?

Click on the picture to see the gorgeous detail.
It has shimmer (hard to see here),
sparkly gold leafing, and lovely texture.

Where did the last 2 weeks go........?

It was full of hospital appointments and hospital stays for my Mum :(

Last wednesday (4th November) we took Mum into RPH as we could not get her pain manageable for her. We did have an appointment the next day at RPH with the Oncologist to find out more about the cancer - like some details of where, what, when etc etc so many questions.

So going into hospital actually sped up the process a little.

I have watched my Mum struggle with so many tests this last week - all whilst she was still in pain! Seeing her suffering, while I too am suffering with my own aches and pains has been totally exhausting. We had to get wheelchairs at all the appointments as Mum's left leg is so weak and keeps collapsing on her. She now has a walking frame.
During the hospital stay, Mum had a fall in the middle of the night while trying to find the toilet - she has bruised the back of her right arm and is now black and blue, along with bruising on her back. The week before she fell in her 'granny flat' and bruised her backside......

Mum had more CT scans on pelvis, chest and brain along with more blood tests.

After being in hospital, we now know the facts. Even though we are not happy with them, at least we all know what we are dealing with.

The 'main' cancer is in her lungs - inoperable, chemo not an option either.
The bone cancer is quite progressed in her - thoracic 4 & 5 spinal vertebrae, several ribs, the femur bone, collar bone & hip.

There are also 5 tumours in her brain!!!! - this shocked us all - again!

Tomorrow I take Mum to be tattooed - ready for radiotherapy treatments next week.
Mum will have radiotherapy on her brain x 5 times (one for each tumour) & on her rib (one rib has a large cancer)

It's been a very tough week or so for us all.

I have spoken to so many people on the phone, organising appointments, checking things and then there was the horrible task of helping Mum get through a list of 'people to call' to advise them of the situation - not a pleasant thing to do. The emotions have been flowing all around, so many teary moments.

We set up a web-cam with Mum's sister Sheila in the UK, and that was fabulous - Mum's family are all in the UK, as Mum emigrated to Australia in 1964 with me and my Dad.

Bec and Amy have been alternating a couple of nights per week staying with us to help their Nana - it's great to have them home for a while, and also relieves me after some tiring days!!

I feel quite useless :( - I'm not very capable physically of doing much to help Mum. I can be there for her, wash the dishes and do the little things. Mum and I have had a lot of little talks, some cries, some laughs and some nice quality time together. We have done a few crosswords together - although Mum has struggled with concentration quite a lot.

We smoke!! - although we are all cutting down - and I have every intention of quitting, but it is SO hard right now!

Mum broke down and cried the other day and she said to me "I'm so sorry that I'm putting you through all this, you have enough to deal with already with your own pain. I don't want to see you suffer, Nor do I want Bec & Amy to see you suffering, so please go see someone and get more help." We cried together, and I told her that I loved her.

The sad thing to see is that Mum is so worried about everyone else, like me, the girls and how we will all cope.

I can't imagine my life without her - The thought of it alone is heartbreaking.

I too am worrying about everyone will cope.
I'm trying to prepare myself for something that I know NO amount of preparation is going to help!!

It's the little things I think about too - those moments when we used to just sit together doing a puzzle, or when she sits playing 'farkle' on Craigs computer, while I'm on mine - and I listen to her frustration at the game and giggle to myself. Mum hasn't played 'farkle' (a facebook game) for over a week now.
Mum said to me today...... 'do you think I will ever drive again?' - I had to answer truthfully, that I didn't... explaining that the 'drugs' she is now on can impair things and that it wouldn't bne a good idea.
Mum is losing some motor control, the little things I see - like her hand trembling when she is trying to address an envelope or sign her name - they hurt me so much.

I see a little fear in her eyes, I see a sadness deep inside - and my heart aches from that.
Mum want's me to feel good, has asked me to go for some pain management and is telling me to do whatever I have to do to get myself feeling better. Since all of this has happened I feel that she 'understands' my pain more.

I hurt in so many places right now - physically and emotionally.

There are moments when I even want my Mum's drugs for my own pain relief........ I struggle within myself and I see that the pain medication is working for her most of the time, which is a god-send and I'm so grateful for that.

My own housework is being neglected, and I don't seem to have much time for my art. I am feeling so unmotivated physically - yet I want to do so many artful things!!
Today I managed to scan a few things that I had in progress - and I messed around with some painty backgrounds with Bec late last night. On wednesday I still did the 'atc class' in my store and that was nice to get out of the house and keep things as 'normal' as possible.

I have also been cooking a lot of nice meals for us all - and have enjoyed being able to bring some enjoyment to us.

There is so much more I could say, but for today I'm done - tired and teary.