Emotional rambling warning!! - if you don't want to read press
here to see some kittens (ok, I stole it from flickr lol) But if you do click there you will see my little Benson :)
Oh boy, where do I start blog world?
It's been such an emotional roller coaster - but really not many ups, so I guess not like a roller coaster more like a huge slide going down and down and down..... yet it feels like an uphill battle dealing with things. I'm so unmotivated for anything lately. Even my art is hard work, it's ok when I finally get around to sitting with my supplies. Then it happens. The problem is I am having trouble doing anything.... My house is a mess and is now starting to get to me. My Mum's nana shack is just sitting there empty and lifeless. I just went in there as I often do. I stood and felt - felt nothing but sadness and emptiness. I wandered around opening drawers and cupboards, remembering things - a million things. The tears were building and then I wandered into the bathroom and saw my Mum's 'teeth' - ouch ouch ouch.
I noticed a lot of tissues in the rubbish bin from our previous visits.
How can I become more positive, when I am constantly being reminded (in my mind) of all the horrible things that happened?? How do I try to forget those and focus on the good stuff... cos, I am trying believe me. I have little moments, where I say to myself "Ok, Lorri this isn't good - it's time to remember all the nice stuff" - but then those ugly thoughts just slip inside and stay for a while. It's almost like the feeling of anxiety where thoughts just bombard you, with no rhyme or reason... I say STOP to myself.... and it works for a little while.
I need to clean, I want to clean, I don't want to touch or move anything, I want to move it, I don't want to clean - I just want to go back in time (yeah yeah of course I can't) but in my memory I can and I will - to a nicer place, to a comforting loving place.
So much has happened over the last few years, so much - too much!!
Something has to change - It just HAS to get better - It WILL get better - I'm trying to send out those vibes, and it is so very hard to do when you feel like this. It's almost like nothing is working for me right now. I mentioned 'killing a chinaman' in a FB post once!! Maybe I did.
Do I start with some positive affirmations, trying to make myself believe good things are around the corner??
Do I keep on pretending that I'm ok...... with the hope that I will actually start to believe it soon?
Action... I need action, if I can get myself off the chair that is!!
My little Benson is a blessing, he is always giving me snuggles at the 'right' time! - usually while my hubby is snoring on the couch!!
Today has half gone, I have done nothing - well I burned the dinner and the pan is now soaking. I cut my finger between two cupboards - I opened them together!! Blonde :)
I haven't eaten, and my reflux is telling me to eat!! Oh how I would love to be able to employ a live in chef/cleaner/maid haha - Like that is ever going to happen. Poor Craig works so hard, works every hour he possibly can and we still only just get by from week to week.
Something BIG is around the corner, I just need to turn towards it.
Do I have the courage? The strength? The balls to make it happen................ I guess I will have to wait and see.
For now, I must just BE - Be in the moment, accept it for what it is.
